I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
