the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
being pregnant is like rehab
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
