Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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