the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
