Me too!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
