My cat gives me a boner
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
