1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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