update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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