shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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