i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Randomize
