Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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