the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
