Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
