I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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