Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
