I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize