How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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