I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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