3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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