Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
