I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
