so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It was confusing and full of hummus
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
