Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
