haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
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We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
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Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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