She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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