At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
