he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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