I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
