I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
