Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
