Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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