Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
are you so shy because you have an std?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
