After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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