SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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