I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
