No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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