why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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