I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
