Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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