Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
