dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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