She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
