Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I cut my penus on the lid.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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