You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
