I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This is the high leading the old right now
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
