I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
