my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
