you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
