if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
