Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
