Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
