I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
whose ass print is on the piano?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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