i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
