It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
