Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
