ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
