I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This is not my ceiling
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
