Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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