textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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