Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
